Prompt: Write to Write; or, Aubrey makes a lot of lists.

Sorry I'm late with this post, all. The stress of the first draft caught up with me, along with strep throat. After a full day of rest, some amoxicillin, and the first episode of Jessica Jones, I'm back in action!

Working through my ideas for my article led me to realize that I still don't have my writing process down. I can't really remember how I wrote papers in undergrad, but I've always made lists, and this paper was no exception.

It started with a smaller "list" - an outline of about 400 words. That list grew into about 1000 words; I split my imagined paper into sections with headers, asked research questions, typed in authors and articles and quotes that seemed to answer them, or at least get at an answer. Out of this list grew another: potential sources. This separate list includes sources by name, article title, and year, with quotes I intend to use in some way pasted underneath. This list has grown to 2500 words plus - a combination of quotes and ideas I want to clarify when discussing those articles. Several of the sources I'm using are from articles we read for class, so I consulted my reading notes I've compiled throughout the semester. You guessed it: more lists, organized in hierarchical side notes and important quotations. At the top of my sources list is another list - books I'd like to review as additional sources if I can get my hands on them in time. (I'll paste this list below in case any of you kind souls can send these my way.)

So as I sat to write up my paper, I consulted my lists. I reviewed lists of articles - bibliographies. My outline grew larger, as did my source list. I realized that I feel completely unprepared to adhere to the expressivist "just start writing" technique; I only feel comfortable writing once I already know exactly what I'll have to say. To just start writing means to potentially write things that are "wrong" - things that may be scrapped entirely later.

"But Aubrey," you may say, "You're writing about post-process pedagogy! 'Writing is an act of discovery' and all that."

And I don't disagree. How could I? Of course writing is discovery, and of course I would learn something more about my paper through the act of trying to write it - a bit of fake it til you make it. I'm writing about post-process pedagogy in relation to multimodality, but also identity and authentic voice and audience. To draft ideas by freewrite would be to reject the way that my brain processes information - to an extent, to deny my identity as a developing writer. I thought about ways that we legitimize (sometimes) hastily written text in essay form but struggle to find validity in other ways of expressing a move toward knowledge. What if I'd used sketches to fill in the current gaps in my paper? Ultimately, I included a narrative to make some sense out of my outline - and to an extent, to justify my thoughts as having a legitimate process.

I absolutely won't deny that I felt I should have more to give. If my outline is such a crucial prerequisite to my writing, I should have nailed that down and delivered at least half of my final article. I should have done better. I thought about Rich's encouragement to "finish strong" and wondered if at the end of the semester I'll feel validated as a writer or an imposter. Reenergized or exhausted. (Some of that may have been the strep talking.)

I hope that this semester forces me to develop my individual writing processes and become more confident in the legitimacy of my own writing. For now, I'll keep on keeping on. Two more weeks, guys! We can do this.